Imposter

I have always struggled with the idea of success, seeing myself as the failure my family always told me I was. I know I work hard, but I don't see myself as a success. I have failed at so much in my lifetime. I could do so much better....

Whilst in conversation with my very good (and well-read) friend Cyberkitten, he mentioned that I had 'Imposter Complex'.

Yay, I thought - a complex to add to my neuroses, paranoia and phobias......so I Googled it (well, who wouldn't?)....

· Do you secretly worry that others will find out that you're not as bright and capable as they think you are?

· Do you sometimes shy away from challenges because of nagging self-doubt?

· Do you tend to chalk your accomplishments up to being a "fluke," “no big deal” or the fact that people just "like" you?

· Do you hate making a mistake, being less than fully prepared or not doing things perfectly?

· Do you tend to feel crushed by even constructive criticism, seeing it as evidence of your "ineptness?"

· When you do succeed, do you think, "Phew, I fooled 'em this time but I may not be so lucky next time."

· Do you believe that other people (students, colleagues, competitors) are smarter and more capable than you are?

· Do you live in fear of being found out, discovered, unmasked?

Yep.........

cq

Anniversaries....

Anniversaries tend to creep up on you and 'boo!' you - especially when they are not happy memories.

My dreams are being plagued by an image.......and I have managed to pin down why.

It is 25 years this year since a 12 year old boy died in my arms, bleeding out his lifeblood on my clothes.

I don't know the exact date, but it was about now in 1985 because I was job hunting. I got off the bus and as I prepared to cross the road a small boy darted past me to run across the road.

To this day I know I could have grabbed the hood on his parker and stopped him before he ran into the path of a lorry.

But I didn't react quick enough - or didn't want to grab a strange child - or was preoccupied with trying to find work - stressing about an interview I had scheduled the next day.

No excuses; I could have grabbed him and I didn't - and he died.

There is an advert on TV at the moment about drinking and driving and to drive home the message a man is seeing the image of the crumpled child he is responsible for wherever he goes.
My image is not the boy dying in my arms, his body pulped and his skull smashed.

My image is a blur of a child running past me into the road........

He will live with me until the day I die.......

cq