Sunday, July 20, 2008

Empty Vase

Regulars will know that I suffer from depression, and have struggled with it for over ten years now. I don't blog about this very often, and I don't talk about it very much - not wanting to bring others down.

I was a sombre child and my family have psychological issues. I was always quiet and easily victimised.
I don't remember most of my childhood - whether purposely or inadvertently blanked out.

My severe depression was triggered by surgery over a decade ago with very emotional overtones combined with finding out I could never have children.

It has resulted in terrible mood swings, from abject misery to total euphoria in minutes - and, sadly, the other way!
The drugs I am on have had an effect on my memory, causing me to forget all sorts of things, from dates/birthdays to words and names.
The depression has caused me to have eating issues - veering from compulsive eating to compulsively not eating. For ten years I have found it difficult to eat in front of others.

I have developed mild agoraphobia and a fear of being around strangers. Going out is usually a huge effort and I have often cancelled plans at the last minute because I just couldn't make myself go.

The uncertain summer this year has deepened my depression and I am aware that I am very miserable lately.
I do have moments of pleasure, although they are short and quickly forgotten.
I drift - losing myself for minutes at a time thinking of nothing very much. I have no memory of journeys I have driven.
I concentrate on functioning for eight hours a day to do my job and then collapse at home.

My insomnia is bad, and I am routinely awake and up at 4am, often waking as early as 1am.

I am constantly aware that, although I do sometimes have emotional storms, I am cold inside. I feel nothing, my body feels empty. I am an empty vase.



Bilbo said...

Depression is an awful thing, but you mustn't let it rule your life (easy for me to say, I know). You have lots of friends out here in the blogosphere who read your adventures and care about you and certainly don't think of you as an empty vase. You need to think of that vase as being full of the brightest and most vibrant 14th century flowers ever to grace a queen's table. Hang in there, cq...we're all behind you!

CyberKitten said...

BIG Hugs from me. [of course]

I recommend a dose of Mama Mia followed by a course of Wall-E.

Sleepypete said...

Big hugs from me too - We've noticed you being a little subdued lately and we're here for when you need us.

Hmm - I detect a pizza+Mamma Mia/Wall-E evening coming ;-)

PS Also hoping that we get at least one weekend of bright sunshine to help you get into the 14C spirit :-)

Dianne said...

I'm sorry it's a bad spell cq, I know a bit about what you're going through.

I've been under medical care since October. I think hormone changes triggered other things. I'll spare you the story.

right now we're looking for meds that work and I'm sure you know how long that can take.

I guess I'm trying to say you're not alone and there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

Big hugs

Jean-Luc Picard said...

I agree that it's tough to let something like that start the rule. Sleepypete is right in saying something lighter like a good movie can help enormously.

Bob-kat said...

Y'know I am one to call a spade a spade right? Well, empty vase my arse! You are for from it! Big Hugs from me. It's a difficult time but this too will pass.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

I feel for you, mt dear CQ, and undersatand as best I can. I have not felt too great myself these last weeks or really two months...But I hope it will pass, and pray it passes for you too, my dear! BIG HUGS coming your way, with "healing".....

LadyBugCrossing said...

Oh, my sweet CQ! Hugs to you my friend.
If there is anything I can do, please let me know.

Walker said...

I have a few friends and relatives who suffer from depression.
It's hard watching them struggle to get out of bed sometimes but they struggle to keep going as you have.
Even with your agoraphobia you still choose a passtime that puts you infront of strangers and you make them feel comfortable,
That tells me alot about your character.

Killired said...

hi queenie! although i deleted my blog and no longer blog anywhere else, i still read you and i just wanted to tell you... I LOVE YA!
~ your fave pink princess ~

Nikki-ann said...

I wouldn't say you're an empty vase... more like a full vase of beautiful flowers (that's how we see you, anyway)!

Insomnia sucks... I've lost count of the times I've turned the TV on in the middle of the night, although I'm now not half as bad as I used to be.

Take care.

Lazy Daisy said...

Hey Babe, Just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts and in my prayers. Sending you virtual hugs across the pond. Hope this passes quickly for you.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Come on over and see the Bees...They may cheer you, my dear..!

Hope you are feeling a little bit better....But I surely understand if you aren't.

Michael Manning said...

CQ: I was weaned off of insomnia meds after a 2007 sleeping problem from hell with the help of a cool expert in Sleep Medicine using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Look into it. While I never had the depression component, I am off of my pills and feel so much better I am now in Strength Training. I wish you well and lol!

Carmi said...

I've said it before, but I'll keep saying it: Your courage to shed light on this devastating illness is nothing short of remarkable. You're a hero for sharing your experience, for letting us in, for challenging us to look both inward and forward.

Depression is tragic. Society's propensity to bury it, to stigmatize it, to force those who suffer from it to battle it alone...that's infinitely worse. You have my thanks and admiration.

Please know you're not alone. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you at some point and wish you well.

Mar said...

Wish I had something clever or comforting to tell you, cq dear. Sending sunshine your way and a huge, huge hug

Queen-Size funny bone said...

I feel the same way most of the time. My life changed dratically afew years ago and now I feel empty and numb. I think of a flower that without nurturing I will wither and blow away in the wind, see you are not a lone by any means. liked your blog, i'll beback.