Regulars will know that I suffer from depression, and have struggled with it for over ten years now. I don't blog about this very often, and I don't talk about it very much - not wanting to bring others down.
I was a sombre child and my family have psychological issues. I was always quiet and easily victimised.
I don't remember most of my childhood - whether purposely or inadvertently blanked out.
My severe depression was triggered by surgery over a decade ago with very emotional overtones combined with finding out I could never have children.
It has resulted in terrible mood swings, from abject misery to total euphoria in minutes - and, sadly, the other way!
The drugs I am on have had an effect on my memory, causing me to forget all sorts of things, from dates/birthdays to words and names.
The depression has caused me to have eating issues - veering from compulsive eating to compulsively not eating. For ten years I have found it difficult to eat in front of others.
I have developed mild agoraphobia and a fear of being around strangers. Going out is usually a huge effort and I have often cancelled plans at the last minute because I just couldn't make myself go.
The uncertain summer this year has deepened my depression and I am aware that I am very miserable lately.
I do have moments of pleasure, although they are short and quickly forgotten.
I drift - losing myself for minutes at a time thinking of nothing very much. I have no memory of journeys I have driven.
I concentrate on functioning for eight hours a day to do my job and then collapse at home.
My insomnia is bad, and I am routinely awake and up at 4am, often waking as early as 1am.
I am constantly aware that, although I do sometimes have emotional storms, I am cold inside. I feel nothing, my body feels empty. I am an empty vase.