What follows is a real application from a student received by ************ University.
Question 3A - Essay: In order for the admissions staff of our university to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question:
Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realised, that have helped to define you as a person?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Kenyan refugees, I write award-winning operas, and manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, I cook thirty-minute brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I single handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I had trials with Manchester United, I am the subject of numerous documentaries.
When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my garden. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line in corduroy evening wear. I do not perspire! I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have appeared on Through the Keyhole and won the big gold key. Last summer I toured Eastern Europe with a travelling centrifugal -force demonstration. I run the 100m in 9.65 secs. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in the international botany circles.
Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and refurbished and entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The law of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic and my bills are all paid. On weekends I let off some steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.
I have made extraordinary four course meals using only vegetables and a Breville Toaster. I breed prize winning clams.
I have won bullfights in Madrid, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka and chess competitions at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet been to the University of Southampton.
BIZARRELY, THEY ACTUALLY GAVE THE APPLICANT A PLACE ON THE COURSE.