Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Rock Bottom

Today I have hit rock bottom.

Not only are we talking about work equipment I know nothing about (lathes, drills etc) but Ugly Monster (depression) is well and truly in residence.

The really odd thing is I *get* the theory of plant machinery and recognising the risks and hazards, and how to apply assessment.
But with Ugly Monster here, I am finding it hard to even concentrate, let alone see the simplest applications.

Had a quick chat with Ian (tutor) and a few girly tears this lunchtime.

If you have ever suffered from chronic or extended depression or are bipolar, then the situation will be oh so familiar.
Considerate colleagues etc trying to explain and make it easier, and the reluctance to come clean and admit you have what is essentially a psychological disorder preventing you from understanding the simplest things.

In Great Britain, there is allowance in the Disability Act for 'invisible' disabilities; depression falls into that category (along with dyslexia etc). But the hardest thing in the world is to admit you have it/them.
I sit, staring at my hands, fiddling with a pen, usually with tears running down my face and trying to get out those magical words 'I'm ok, it's just I suffer from depression and sometimes it gets in the way of.....'

Ah well, maybe it'll improve through the week. Just a case at the moment of keeping my head down and ploughing through the classwork.

Ian, if you're reading this - and I know you're reading my blog! - your consideration is so much appreciated and I'm still 'with the programme'! :-)



silentmum said...

Big GIANT hugs from here and go away nasty Ugly thing........we love you lots and lots and lots and loads

Tara said...

Huge Hugs from the Blogsistah. I know that feeling oh so well Sweetie.

It WILL get easier, I promise.

Fizzy said...

OOOO I know exactly how you feel, I fight the same thing. It always catches me unawares.

I am thinking of you this week. Look after yourself, and if it is any help.... Today is Tuesday, BUT tomorrow is Wednesday - HUMP DAY which means there is only two more days until the weekend.

There is some logic in that ... I assure you. I think it means that you will soon be home.
Look after yourself

YellowRose said...

Sending you big hugs....hang in there girlfriend! Remember you are the "Queen!"

WendyWings said...

Big Kiwi hugs coming your way too, if you get a chance check out my eye candy post it will bring a smile to your face it is JUST for you *wink*

The June Cleaver Diaries said...

CQ--- it took me until my twins were seven months old before I realized I had post-partum depression. Apparantly, I had it with my first, too. So I know all too well about denial.

The best thing I ever did was get help.

keda said...

awww. sweetie. GET HELP!!!!

anyone worth thinking about would love to help you out. what are you worried about?! life/s too short to worry about anything without taking some action!

we all love you. we know you are great when you are doing good. get help and be better now, come o, hurry up!

you are fabulous.

mar said...

sending hugs your way, take good care of yourself :)

Laura said...

Ohhh :((( I'm so sorry to read this! My hub does know all about lathes and drills and large scale machinery such as you've described.. I woonder if he could help you out?
bloggy hugs for you, I hope this feeling passes soon.

Aginoth said...

{cyber hug}

Depression is an embuggerance we could all do without...do you want us to send you the kids for emergency hug treatment?

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Oh My Dear Dear CQ, Hugs are flying your way in a HUGE BIG HURRY! Sorry I haven';t gotten here earlier...know that you are loved and missed and I hope The Monster goes away in a hurry...BOO, to The Monster...GO! Leave this wonderful person right this second! More hugs coming your way from a little white Furry, too...He says: Puuuuuurrrr, and puts his paws aroubd you and sends kitty kisses, too.

Carmi said...

I'm sure you rocked your way through the course. Glad you're home safe and sound.

And you're right: we'd all be in better shape if we were more at ease admitting our challenges. Denial is a huge brick wall to achievement.

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