Saturday, December 17, 2005

Are You MAD??

It's 4am and I'm blogging.....quietly as MB is asleep in the room next door....

Hence the question in the title.

Nope, I am not mad - yet! Ugly Monster has been in full-time residence for over a week now. For the uninitiated, Ugly Monster is the name I gave my chronic depression in order to make it more manageable. But sometimes UM really does take over, despite my best efforts.

It whispers in my ear telling me I'm crap and useless.
It makes me forget my meds (haven't taken them for weeks now!)
It makes me temperamental and unpredictable.
It makes me want to kill myself.
It puts me through cycles of insomnia and hypersomnia.

OK, so I'm managing to fight off point 4 - well, I'm still here, aren't I? Although there were a couple of enticing lorries on the motorway the other day.

So here I am, 4am and blogging. I was ill yesterday so napped a LOT, and am paying for it now.

I get really tired of my depression, you know. It's been 7 years now and it's almost as bad now as it was then. Depression is cyclic, you always follow cycles. You have depression, you feel guilty about being unhappy, which makes you more depressed, which makes you more guilty, which makes you more depressed - and so on ad infinitum.

My depression was triggered by surgery following a long illness, which meant I couldn't have children - although I always had a depressive nature. Well, there you have another problem - I yearn for my own child. But it's too late now.
Don't think I am unreasonable about this desire. I don't like the thought of surrogacy and I am too old to adopt in the UK - but I would love to have my child look up at me and say 'I love you, Mum'.

I'll just have to enjoy my Aginothlings looking up at me and saying 'I love you, [cq]', and the knowledge that my darling god-daughter Boo, thousands of miles away, would do the same, given the chance! :-)

And, of course, being craziequeen, I have my Crazies on side to support me, protect me and make me laugh.

Thank you, Crazies :-)

And now, I have my blogbuddies. From as far apart as Oz, Spain and the US, I have lots of people talking to me and infusing me with their zest for life.

Thank you, Blogbuddies :-)

Edit - just a quick note to those worried about the 'not taking the meds' comment. It is not intentional and I am not 'tweaking' my meds. I honestly can forget to take them for days or weeks at a time, for the very simple reason that those very meds have had an effect on my memory. In fact, I can look at them and think 'I must take them', turn around and completely forget instantly. But then I do the same thing with everything else! :-)
I'm also not supposed to take them with flu/cold remedies - and I have been plagued with colds over the last month.
Feel free to nag me to take my meds - but don't have a go at me for not taking them.
Usually I am very good at taking them (well, I have been on them for 7 years - practice, practice, practice!), so good in fact, that my doc has me self-managing. But sometimes....I just.....fall off the wheel - you know?



Marcia said...

oh crazie darling... that's so hard. I've had chronic depression for what seems like my whole life... sometimes I'm fine and happy, and sometimes... all hell breaks loose. And besides everything else in your life, the holidays are so sugary sweet that they make me feel hollow and empty. If I were there, I'd take you out for a girl's night of spa treatments, drinking, and dancing, and then we'd sneak off to America and take Angelina Jolie's babies and give them to you. Because you'd be 3million times the mom she is!

craziequeen said...

oh baby - where do I sign up??? :-)


OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Dear Dear CQ...You are soooo smart! Just came by to visit you afer having read your comment on my blog...And you really are a wizard...And besides that, my dear CQ, you are a truly WONDERFUL person that I am so happy to have met, here in Blogland! I'm soooo sorry you go through these cyclical downs that take away ALL your self esteem...I certainly know what depression is, but I do not know what you know, my dear...And I wish I could wave a wand and BANIISH all the horrific thoughts and feelings that come over you when you are in this place of desolation...Just know my dear CQ, you are cared about and admired, more than I can say, from over here in L.A. - Hollywoodland...from my first visit, I knew you were/are very very special, and am sooooo very happy to have been so privalaged to have YOU in my cyberlife, and therefor..IN MY LIFE! I'm rooting for you, my dear blog-friend!

craziequeen said...

[sobs gently] oh Naomi - you are such a nice person. Thank you, my dear friend, for your support and unstinting encouragement.

I am touched.


Juggling Mother said...

Oh honey, life is so unfair. You know you can come & get your fix anytime you want. You can even take one or two of them away with you for a couple of days if you want. No, honestly, you could. Please?:-)

I'm sending you hugs & lisses & LMB is here next to me doing the same.



Love Mrs A

craziequeen said...

[obediently slinks off to the kitchen]


jane said...

Please, please get back on your meds. That's more than likely the reason you're in this situation right now. I just read another blog very similar to yours & she also tweaked her meds, played doctor & now is trying to get back to 'okay'.
The entire right sidebar on my blog has blogs that belong to bipolar individuals. You've mentioned depression,but not bipolar. If you'd like, read thru some of the blog entries, you'll undoubtedly find people you can relate with.
If you are bipolar, you're more than welcome to join our webring.
Remember you aren't alone, there's lots of us out here. :)

craziequeen said...

Thanks for the strong words, jane.

My sidebar is filled with allsorts, from cats/bunnies/dogs (oops, nope, no dogs!) to philosophers. From old dear friends to new blogbuddies. From mums/dads to 'free' people. From the sane to the delightfully insane. These are the people that give me strength, I'm afraid.

I haven't yet been diagnosed as bipolar, but I have a sneaking suspicion I am. I do tend to stay away from my doctor though :-)

I'll go now and take my meds....


craziequeen said...

oh, I should've said - there are a few depression sufferers in my links. But not so you'd notice :-)


Dak-Ind said...

the not taking the nedication thing frightens me a bit, but for the rest, i too, fight my demons every now and then. i cant sleep, i either eat LOTS, or not at all. i yell at everyone. i feel terrible. i wouldnt wish the demons on anyone, and i hope you beat back yours very soon!

CyberKitten said...

Sends BIG Blogging HUG(s)

Carmi said...

No nagging from me. Just a big virtual hug for having the courage to be so honest in this entry - and others, of course.

In doing so, you've helped others more than you can know. Good on you!

craziequeen said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
craziequeen said...

[looks embarrassed] thank you, carmi....
Right back at you, it was bloggers like you that encouraged me to follow my convictions and make this blog 'real'.


craziequeen said...

- no matter how crazie :-D


panthergirl said...

I wind up not taking my meds when I think I'm all better... (but of course, that's because the meds MAKE me all better). I'm usually shaken back into the routine after a few days of spontaneous weeping though.

Hope you feel better...I can relate, completely. (except that I'm BiPolar so my cycles were depression/mania/depression/mania). Thankfully that's under control now.

Here via michele!

David said...

depression tried to ground me last month - Jayleigh helped me shake it off - Thank God for friends!

craziequeen said...

panthergirl: I haven't asked my doctor about bipolar disorder, I am pretty much there, but I have enough on my plate without another diagnosis. And he might change my meds, I'm content with Prozac! No Amytriptyline or Seroxat in this house!
As long as I am functioning (well, I'm still turning into work/doing the housework/cooking meals daily!), I'm good to go!

david: I freely admit, and tell them often, that if it wasn't for my beloved Crazies I would have topped myself long ago.
And now I have bogbluddies too!

Friends are absolutely priceless, and I adore mine [looks fondly at all my Crazies]


Sleepypete said...

[chuckle] I did wonder what you were up to when I spotted you logged onto MSN at 4am the other night. :-)

Cat said...

Depression sucks, doesn't it? I've been suffering from severe depression for over eight years now. Just wanted to send a sympathetic *big hug* your way. :)