It's 4am and I'm blogging.....quietly as MB is asleep in the room next door....
Hence the question in the title.
Nope, I am not mad - yet! Ugly Monster has been in full-time residence for over a week now. For the uninitiated, Ugly Monster is the name I gave my chronic depression in order to make it more manageable. But sometimes UM really does take over, despite my best efforts.
It whispers in my ear telling me I'm crap and useless.
It makes me forget my meds (haven't taken them for weeks now!)
It makes me temperamental and unpredictable.
It makes me want to kill myself.
It puts me through cycles of insomnia and hypersomnia.
OK, so I'm managing to fight off point 4 - well, I'm still here, aren't I? Although there were a couple of enticing lorries on the motorway the other day.
So here I am, 4am and blogging. I was ill yesterday so napped a LOT, and am paying for it now.
I get really tired of my depression, you know. It's been 7 years now and it's almost as bad now as it was then. Depression is cyclic, you always follow cycles. You have depression, you feel guilty about being unhappy, which makes you more depressed, which makes you more guilty, which makes you more depressed - and so on ad infinitum.
My depression was triggered by surgery following a long illness, which meant I couldn't have children - although I always had a depressive nature. Well, there you have another problem - I yearn for my own child. But it's too late now.
Don't think I am unreasonable about this desire. I don't like the thought of surrogacy and I am too old to adopt in the UK - but I would love to have my child look up at me and say 'I love you, Mum'.
I'll just have to enjoy my Aginothlings looking up at me and saying 'I love you, [cq]', and the knowledge that my darling god-daughter Boo, thousands of miles away, would do the same, given the chance! :-)
And, of course, being craziequeen, I have my Crazies on side to support me, protect me and make me laugh.
Thank you, Crazies :-)
And now, I have my blogbuddies. From as far apart as Oz, Spain and the US, I have lots of people talking to me and infusing me with their zest for life.
Thank you, Blogbuddies :-)
Edit - just a quick note to those worried about the 'not taking the meds' comment. It is not intentional and I am not 'tweaking' my meds. I honestly can forget to take them for days or weeks at a time, for the very simple reason that those very meds have had an effect on my memory. In fact, I can look at them and think 'I must take them', turn around and completely forget instantly. But then I do the same thing with everything else! :-)
I'm also not supposed to take them with flu/cold remedies - and I have been plagued with colds over the last month.
Feel free to nag me to take my meds - but don't have a go at me for not taking them.
Usually I am very good at taking them (well, I have been on them for 7 years - practice, practice, practice!), so good in fact, that my doc has me self-managing. But sometimes....I just.....fall off the wheel - you know?