Tuesday, January 24, 2006

The Good Wife's Guide

Being a SAHH (Stay At Home Housewife) these past couple of days while I get ready for skiing, I thought it might be time to study The Good Wife's Guide From Housekeeping Monthly, 13 May, 1955 - just to make sure I am doing it right - needless to say, it needs a little updating! I have amended where necessary...........

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.

OK - well, normally I get home after him, so that means he should have a meal ready for me? [dons kevlar vest] I'll let him know.......

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

15 MINUTES! After a day running around after 40 people it'll take more than 15 minutes........

Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

He had a boring day? oh baby, let me tell you. Once you have reviewed several functional plans, ensured everyone's health and safety, dealt with the difficult world of IT, balanced the politics of several managers........oh never mind - so, how was your day, dear [ingratiating smile]

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.

I assume by dustcloth you mean industrial cleaner?? And all the clutter is his - why should I clear that away.......he put it there........

During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

woo hoo! Central Heating!! :-P

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.

[shrieks with laughter] Right, Charlie? Pandora? No fighting because your daddy is home.......like that's gonna happen in this lifetime.......

Be happy to see him.

One word - PROZAC....!

Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

I am not a number, I am a free woman - sort of.........

Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Yeah, right - after 20 years a glum silence is the norm........

Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

But that takes away all the fun!

Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.

If he's late, the dinner goes in the bin - no complaints..... If he stays out all night, the doors are locked - no complaints! Cool, I'm getting the hang of this housewife lark!

Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

He can do that himself - what is he? Useless? oh hang on, he's a BLOKE :-)

Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

Have you SMELT his feet lately??

Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

I don't - but then I don't need to; I know I am always right :-)

A good wife always knows her place.

Yep, in CHARGE!!

Nice to see these old advice columns are still so pertinent.......



mar said...

"Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night"??? Now, where did you get this guide from? You need fresh mountain air after reading this, cq!

Le laquet said...

Jeez - did they really publish that? My god! Or actually should I say "aye right!"

I'm going to burn the computer so SImon doesn't see this when he comes home to make tea!

Eric Mutta said...

LOL, I wonder what the publisher of that original guide must have been smoking!

Tara said...

LOL, I KNOW I've read that somewhere before, but I still find it hilarious!

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Absolutely hilarious! I love it!

WendyWings said...

I bet Mrs Cunningham had this framed in her house somewhere LOL

Juggling Mother said...

I've also seen it before, but you can never see it too many times:-)

I'm sure if you insisted, MB would have dinner waiting for you just the once. OK it would be steak & sausages, but it would be dinner:-)

Does she offer any advoce on HOW to encourage Mstr A to be quiet? Cos that'd be worth reading!

I would absolutely not complain if Aggie stayed out all night without prior warning. Of course, he wouldn't get to come back in again, but I wouldn't complain:-)

The sad thing is, I know people whose job is "wife", and they still behave like this in many ways.

YellowRose said...

I've read this before...it never ceases to make me laugh!! All I can say is "Yeah right, in your dreams!"

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Amazing!!! It's hard to believe that someone actually wrote a book that detailed all of this stuff! And that women took this seriously!! (LOL, LOL, LOL)

How high was the murder rate among married couples back in 1955???

Carmi said...

Frighteningly, I think my in-laws still believe in that fecal matter.

Just reading it caused my blood pressure to spike!

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