Sunday, September 17, 2006

Sometimes Life Kicks You in the Teeth

It was a lovely wedding. The bride looked gorgeous and the groom shyly proud. The family gathered in the hallway before and after the service, there was a lovely meal and then later there was a disco. The guests were smart and colourful;

Emma in her pretty floaty two piece outfit.
Adam looking tall and grownup in his shirt and trousers.
Justine was an adorable bridesmaid in skyblue with a headpiece of flowers.
Grace was the other bridesmaid in deep gold with golden flowers in her curly hair.
Joanna looked bright as a spring day in her best dress.
Connie looked a cherub in gold.
Jamie and his brother Alexander wore matching shirts and were very handsome.

What did all these people have in common? They are all the children from the family, which we see occasionally.

I love MB's family, and I love the children, but it broke my heart to spend the day/evening with them.
It's not so hard with the Aginoths, although when LMB climbs onto me for a cuddle it does make my heart do a flip, because I see them all the time. Every time I see MB's family there are more children; growing children and new babies. I can't add to the tally of children in the family.

I watched the children play and frolic. I talked with them and teased them. By the end of the evening they were smiling at me and tugging at my arm - just as they tugged at my heart. One of MB's cousins mentioned me 'choosing' not to have children - I didn't go to the trouble of putting her right.

Being unable to have children isn't a sprint in the race of life, it's a never-ending marathon.



Fizzy said...

Oh CQ I don't know what to say. I think the relative that made that comment was tactless though.

keda said...

oh sweetie.. i'm so sorry. events like these will always be hard i guess. and tactless remarks from people who really should know better are the last thing anyone needs.

though i am now blessed with my lovelilets i was told as a young woman that i would never have children by doctors so i have some sense of how you feel. and i have one family member and 3 friends who cannot have their own children. 2 of them have adopted though and are incredibly happy. i'm sure all this has gone through your mind and one stage or another.
do take care dear one and know that a great 'auntie' can be as valuable in a childs life as parents often. and those that have no children themselves and can be unharrased and open to that childs needs unencumbered by the day to day upkeep and demands that is childrearing are golden.

though it may never be a true consolation, know that the children who are in your life will treasure and adore you and need you in a way that will touch their lives forever.

i have 'aunties' and friends who have been in my life since childhood who i cannot imagine ever having been without. and these women have given me counsel and love and support when my own mother could not.
and i hope my friends will be the same for my girls.

much love sweetheart.

Juggling Mother said...

Kids do bring alot into your life, but they take alot away too. As Keda says, being a great friend can be just as rwarding - and have an impact on far more children, than being a parent.

Life throws plenty of bad stuff at you, but it needn't be all bad, if you don't let it.



I really am very sorry for how you feel. I know how much it hurts to see other children loving you, children growing up. I know how much it hurts to long for one but who knows, the Lord above has His reason. Only He can tell. Have you ever considered adopting one?

Anonymous said...

some people can be so insensitive. not to worry, dear cq. am pretty sure the kids who do know you love you a great deal. hugs to you! ;)

Lazy Daisy said...

Ahh....I think I will rename you the "Queen of Hearts". Your love and affection is contagious....children are great judges of character and are naturally drawn to you. What a gift you give to everyone who know you.

Gattina said...

There are everywhere people with a mouth and no brain. I am just looking a bit around as I subscribed today to the 13 commendments. For the first time it was easy as I presented myself. After having been in America (blogs) suddenly I am in the UK ! Easy travelling isn't it? Now I go to Bresil and then to Australia and home to Waterloo (not the station) Apparently I am part of the Jet Set, even quicker.

OldLady Of The Hills said...

I can certainly understand the mixture of heartbreak and heart-lifted-up...So sorry it has to be this way my dear CQ...I know that you have so much love to give and you everyone that comes in contact with you--but particularly the children...and they obviously respind to your loving heart...
I feel for you my dear...I truly do.

MaR said...

((hugs)) Because I know it hurts but I don't know what to say.

Meira{FB} said...

{{{Hugs}}}! Have you ever thought of adoption? Or surogacy. I was almost a surrogate for a couple. I'm too old now. Went through all the Pysch and Physical tests, then my ex refused to allow me to do it.

Tara said...

I agree with Lazy Daisy. The Queen of hearts you are!

I can't imagine what you suffer on a day to day basis, and seeing everyone together at family events must be so much harder.

Everyone is mentioning that a family member was insensitive and tactless for saying that you "chose" not to have kids, but I do have to ask whether that family member is aware of the true facts surrounding it all. Of course, if they do, then it was incredibly tactless of them.

Never fear my dear cq, life is a bitch, but you have so many children who look upon you as their aunt whether you are or not. You have a charm and a way that draws old and young alike to you like a magnet, and I know that everyone who knows you could not imagine not wanting to know you anymore.

You are surrounded by people who love you, need you and are honoured to be called your friends, and we're all here for you whenever you need us.

Hugzzzzzzzzz and take care hon.

OldLady Of The Hills said...

Hi My Dear...
I hope you get a chance to stop by my blog. I posted some pictures of my Paintings...would love for you to see them...

Jennifer said...

dear queen... as your little pink princess, i shall come over there and kick her butt for saying somethig insensitive like that to you or about you to other people. she should get her facts straight and then choose to keep it to herself.

i'm sorry she hurt you and crushed you a little more... but you are strong and you have a wonderful heart so go out into the world and spread that love among all your children in your life and give them extra long hugs... it's good for your mind, heart and soul to get a great big bear hug from a little one!!!
you've surely done a great job of spreading your love in the blogosphere!!!! ((((cyber group hug now)))))