Wallop

Wow - here it is.....

I was reasonably positive at work, I got lots of writing done in my lunch hour, I left at a decent hour, picked up the required air filter and oil for my little car, got home, fed the cats, fed me....

and wallop....

Sometimes it hits when you are looking, usually it hits you when you aren't.

Depression (not to be confused with SAD, Seasonal Affective Disorder) is a curse. I have been clinically depressed for 7 years. The trigger (and depression usually needs a trigger) was a major operation I had nearly ten years ago. After that it was downhill all the way.

I can sleep for England (hypersomnia)
I can be awake all night (insomnia)
I wake exhausted when I do sleep
I can burst into tears for absolutely no reason
I have a complete lack of concentration
I have been through the range of eating disorders
I constantly feel helpless and hopeless
I detest myself
I have periods of suicidal tendencies

I know I'm not alone - Clinical, or major depression is the world's No. 1 mental disorder, the 2nd most disabling condition in the world behind heart disease. And it's growing at an alarming rate. If it lasts more than a year it is classed as a disability - albeit one no one can see.

I am a prozac queen, ie to help me manage my depression and keep functioning I take that wonderful curative Prozac.

What irks me is I try so hard to keep on the track that when I do stumble, some bright spark always says 'depression? but you're always so positive' - no I'm not, I've just learnt to pretend, to say the right things, to not burst into tears and run out every five minutes, to paste a smile on my face for the 30seconds I talk to someone, to put smileys on my emails and blog :-) see? That took three keystrokes and meant nothing to me...
Why make everyone around me miserable (as I was once accused of doing when I first was ill - which almost drove me to suicide)? Why pass this awful shitty feeling onto friends and colleagues? Why indulge myself and drag the Much Beloved down with me? They don't deserve that.

So why am I posting this now?
Because I feel like crap.
I'm exhausted, I'm miserable and I'm crying.
And all for no reason.

Am I going to get better? Unlikely. The problems that caused this will be with me for the rest of my life and depression is my way of (badly) handling things. It's all about management. The Much Beloved is a stalwart support, my Crazies are the best family anyone could have and I have a GP who is quietly supportive.

Many years ago my previous GP suggested I try and get a grip on my depression (it's kind of like that octopus and string bag joke) as it is easier (!) to fight if it is more tangible. So I gave it a name.

Ugly Monster

Not a nice name is it? Well, it doesn't deserve a nice name, it's not a nice thing. It sits on my shoulder or in the back of my head and tells me I don't deserve to live, that I am useless.

I am in a constant battle to either ignore Ugly Monster, or continue despite it.

There it is, my deep dark secret. My soul bared.

I'll probably look at my blog in horror tomorrow and delete this. Pretend I didn't say anything. Paste a smile on my face, smileys on my blog and keep going.......

craziequeen