Monday, November 14, 2005


Wow - here it is.....

I was reasonably positive at work, I got lots of writing done in my lunch hour, I left at a decent hour, picked up the required air filter and oil for my little car, got home, fed the cats, fed me....

and wallop....

Sometimes it hits when you are looking, usually it hits you when you aren't.

Depression (not to be confused with SAD, Seasonal Affective Disorder) is a curse. I have been clinically depressed for 7 years. The trigger (and depression usually needs a trigger) was a major operation I had nearly ten years ago. After that it was downhill all the way.

I can sleep for England (hypersomnia)
I can be awake all night (insomnia)
I wake exhausted when I do sleep
I can burst into tears for absolutely no reason
I have a complete lack of concentration
I have been through the range of eating disorders
I constantly feel helpless and hopeless
I detest myself
I have periods of suicidal tendencies

I know I'm not alone - Clinical, or major depression is the world's No. 1 mental disorder, the 2nd most disabling condition in the world behind heart disease. And it's growing at an alarming rate. If it lasts more than a year it is classed as a disability - albeit one no one can see.

I am a prozac queen, ie to help me manage my depression and keep functioning I take that wonderful curative Prozac.

What irks me is I try so hard to keep on the track that when I do stumble, some bright spark always says 'depression? but you're always so positive' - no I'm not, I've just learnt to pretend, to say the right things, to not burst into tears and run out every five minutes, to paste a smile on my face for the 30seconds I talk to someone, to put smileys on my emails and blog :-) see? That took three keystrokes and meant nothing to me...
Why make everyone around me miserable (as I was once accused of doing when I first was ill - which almost drove me to suicide)? Why pass this awful shitty feeling onto friends and colleagues? Why indulge myself and drag the Much Beloved down with me? They don't deserve that.

So why am I posting this now?
Because I feel like crap.
I'm exhausted, I'm miserable and I'm crying.
And all for no reason.

Am I going to get better? Unlikely. The problems that caused this will be with me for the rest of my life and depression is my way of (badly) handling things. It's all about management. The Much Beloved is a stalwart support, my Crazies are the best family anyone could have and I have a GP who is quietly supportive.

Many years ago my previous GP suggested I try and get a grip on my depression (it's kind of like that octopus and string bag joke) as it is easier (!) to fight if it is more tangible. So I gave it a name.

Ugly Monster

Not a nice name is it? Well, it doesn't deserve a nice name, it's not a nice thing. It sits on my shoulder or in the back of my head and tells me I don't deserve to live, that I am useless.

I am in a constant battle to either ignore Ugly Monster, or continue despite it.

There it is, my deep dark secret. My soul bared.

I'll probably look at my blog in horror tomorrow and delete this. Pretend I didn't say anything. Paste a smile on my face, smileys on my blog and keep going.......



Juggling Mother said...

Just remember we love you. And remember it IS going to get better - not permently, but periodically.

Go write some rude comments on some of the stupid/scary blogs out there. with any luck you're indignation will take over as the prominent emotion:_)

hugs & kisses

craziequeen said...

Thank you, Mrs A

I elected not to roam the blogs, being a little fragile :-S

So I put some Nina Simone on, played some cubis, and popped in to see Blogfather to see how he's coming along with the next round of reviews. Have to keep an eye on the serfs, you know....

Love you, you know :-)

and I'll collect those hugs and kisses on Saturday - and I'm sure there'll be a few little snuggles from my darling Aginothlings :-)


JoeC said...

:) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

take care ya!

cheers then!

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Hi craziequeen...It's OldOldLdy here...I'm glad you shared this pain thoughI know 'Ugly Monster' is no fun at all! Sometimes just talking about it...venting about it, helps a teeny tiny bit...this is your blog and whatever you need to do is perfect. I know we don't know each other except through our blogs and I'm very very new at all this; but I know that just whatever exchanges we've had and reading your blog, I'm very glad you are in this world and I LOVE your honesty!
And I hope these feelings pass for a while, very soon...I'll be back to check on you later, cq!

RCA said...

Just think of every nice thing people say, every compliment, every success as a bar on the cage and the Ugly Monster is trapped in side, the more bars you build the easier it is to keep said monster at bay - and when it gets out... we'll help you hunt it down and re-cage it :-)

Hang in there darlin' - BIG hug

Oreo said...

Hey CQ, I'm sending you furry hugs. Your kitties must not be doing their jobs right. Go hold them & tell them to make you feel better! :)

silentmum said...

Sending big giant enormous hugs from silentmum and boo.....big squeezes with oddles of wobbles and really tight air gasping cinches....we love & miss you. BTW Boo had her prize photos done- you may get them in time for xmas...they are beautiful. Remember, UM is exactly that-an UM- it is an are not an UM...some people have warts and barnacles, we have UM hanging around....look on the bright side, we could have scabies or ringworm- a darn sight more we are pretty people with an Ugly cling-on.....we can deal one day at a time....whilst looking cute

Aginoth said...

Don't delete it, you know facing up to it is part of the battle.

Nothing wrong with a little Prozac :o)

Simon Peter said...

Here's some Wisconsin virtual hugs for you. Hang in there and keep seeking out positive things to think on.

Eric Mutta said...

Hey CQ, thanks for sharing this. I know you might call it pretending, but boy must you be good at it, because even though the smileys you use are decorative, I know they make me smile for real :-)

If the Ugly Monster don't go away, then we sure as hell gonna make life hard for it by fighting back. Your crew is here to support you, so chin up girl ;-)

craziequeen said...

JoeC - new piccie! I like it.

oldoldlady - I like you too! And I'm new to this as well. Let's keep hanging around.

rca - I value all my hugs from you, sweetheart.

oreo - atm Charlie is putting the entire house through the mincer - but it's ok, he's off the V E T tomorrow for his 'op'....

silentmum - I so miss the days when I would pop over and hug Ugly Monster away with you and Boo.

Aginoth - big huggy hug on Saturday please.

Simon - it's how I keep going day after day, but Wisconsin hugs always appreciated.

eric, my homeboy! Hey honey - love your review - classic.

Sorry for the downer all...[wry smile]


Eric Mutta said...

"homeboy"...shweeeet! Now you've got the gangstah nanny lingo going, we are definately in business :-D

[goes to find her a bandana, cool shades and some royal bling bling].

craziequeen said...

do I get a pink velour tracksuit too ??



mar said...

I was here earlier this week but decided I needed time and quietness to read your personal post. So I am back today to tell you not to hear what the Ugly Monster tells you. Keep in mind that you are our queen, we like you (not only) because of your craziness and I am here to send sunshine your way and leave you some smileys :) ;-)). You are worth a whole lot and I am happy I met you through blogging. Cheers! Olé!

craziequeen said...

Thank you, mar. Your comments are much appreciated, as always.
I do try not to listen to UM, but sometimes it yells at me :-(

Smileys always welcome :-)

The feeling is mutual, my dear - hope the weather isn't too cold over in Spain.


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